Everyone remembers middle school right? When you were either in the "cool" group and had a lot of friends or you weren't. If you weren't in the "cool" group chances are you were teased and made fun of by the "cool" group. In order to be accepted someone else had to excluded. In middle school, and even into high school to large degree, there was always the "cool" kids and the "not cool" kids. And it was always, always, in everyone's face. The cool kids always having to show off that they are a part of the "in crowd" and making the outsiders feel even more worthless than they already did. For us "non-cool" crowd there was the yearning that maybe just maybe we'd figure out the secret and get to be part of the "cool" group. No matter what though there was always that air of "we belong" and "you don't."
I thought I'd left this childishness behind. Apparently the need to accepted at the cost of someone else being excluded goes beyond middle school.
I face this issue on a daily basis at my school, which I have mostly learned to live with. I realized quickly that people who were doing the excluding weren't the people I wanted to be around anyway so I don't really even want to be included anymore. Frustrating that I still have to deal with it, but not something I lose sleep over anymore.
Recently though this "cliqueness" has seeped into my outside of school social life.
About 10 months ago I discovered a boardgames group on Meetup.com. Meetup.com is a great site to find groups of all interests and topics all over the country! It's a great way to meet people and make friends. In Decemember I started attending the board games meetups regularly, and was having a lot of fun!
Naturally, with a large group of people, friendships will form that go beyond the group. This is to be expected. I would also expect that as people get to know each other they would exchange contact info or friend each other on facebook or start twittering each other or whatever. It would also not be uncommon for several members of the group to get together on their own, and that those meetings would not be made public for the whole group. Totally understandable. Some people have created a deeper bond than others, this is OK. This is part of making friends and being social. Not everyone is going to like everyone else, it's a fact of life.
Imagine my surprise about a week ago when I discovered (not even sure how anymore) that there was a new meetup group that several folks who I consider my friends had joined. A private meetup group. Invite only. The name of the group: The Clique. From the public part of the profile:
From Wikipedia: A clique is an exclusive group of people who share interests, views, purposes. Cliques tend to form within the boundaries of a larger group where opportunities to interact are great.
I have no idea what this group is all about. I have no idea what they do. All I know is the name and that there are several folks who I believed to my friends who are a part.
Obviously I was not invited to be a part of this group.
But that is not what has me so worked up. Yes, I am feeling betrayed by people who I'm friends with. Yes, I'm questioning what is wrong with me and obsessing over every little thing I might have done "wrong". But, bottom line is that not everyone is going to like me, regardless of how much I like them. And like, I have discovered at school, if the people who are in this group feel that they need to exclude others then that's fine with me. I don't want to be a part of the group. I'm not sure I'd want to be in the group even if I'd been invited. I'm not into being accepted at the expense of someone being blatently excluded.
What has me so outraged is the publicness of this - there are tons of private ways of getting a group together, yet the organizer for this group chose to do it in a way that clearly alienates people. That's what irkes me. If you want to get together with a select group of people, fine! Send an evite, email, text, snail mail, whatever, but don't wave it around in the faces of the people who, for whatever reason, you don't want there.
I know I shouldn't let these things get to me. But they do.
PS: Don't have time tonight for the "other social weapons" - another post on another day!
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7 comments:
"I wouldn't want to be part of any club that would have me as a member." -Groucho Marx
Yeah, that does sting. Some people still have a sense of 'arrested sorority-ness'
I'm sorry. And I do understand.
-TG
Wow. I'm totally with you on this topic. I am a part of this group and had no idea that you were not invited. I actually had been watching for your name to appear on this group and had been wondering why you had not joined. I haven't been to any of their get togethers as they are usually held further than I would like to travel, but to not be invited, and to have it waved in your face is unexcusable. Maybe time for me to think again about being a part of it and re-evaluating who my "friends" are. On a pleasant note... See you soon. :-)
To be fair nothing was "waved in my face" - I know I said that, it just felt like it was, because the group was listed in a very public place. I discovered the group and then discovered on my own the folks who were in the group - it was my own discovery.
Do you think it was just an oversight that you didn't get invited? I can't imagine them not inviting you.
Could have been an oversight, but no matter, if I had been included someone else still would have been left out.
My point was not so much "woe is me I got left out", but rather "why do we adults do this?" I might not have made that clear - it had been bugging all week and I needed to get it out!
People suck!
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